Playfully debunking Christmas myths

11 12 2007

I would like to start this playful piece off by saying that I love the holiday season.  This is my favorite time of year.  By far.  Not even close.  Love it.  Ok?  I’m not bitter, I’ve not become a little gnarled up gnome of a person who is trying to spoil all of your fun and ruin Christmas.  Fair enough?  Good.  Then let us move on the the debunking of some of my favorite Christmas myths that are given to us through song, screen, and tradition.

~Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.~  We joyously and spontaneously burst into song and sing about the glories of bouncing across a frozen prairie behind the hindquarters of a sweating, panting animal.  If you really think about it, for this myth to actually take place it has to be extremely cold BRRRR!!!. Snow must be covering the ground and you must traverse this hazardous ground while guiding dear old Bessie.  This leaves absolutley no time for what we all imagine would be happening.  Snuggling beneath a warm blanket with your significant other while sipping hot chocolate and nuzzling each others cheeks.  Sounds fun in principle, not so much when laid out in the stark terms of reality!!

~Chestnuts roasting on an open fire~  WHO has actually had chestnuts?  No dad, not bucknuts.  Those only help you when you are hunting.  Who has ever eaten chestnuts?  I’ve never even seen chestnuts, much less roasted any over an open fire. I feel like I have lived a fairly worldly life.  I’ve been many places and seen many things.  Traveled abroad, been to most of the great cities of America, but I’ve never even seen chestnuts.  I conducted an impromptu poll earlier here at work.  Now mind you this was not exactly The New York Times, that bastion of conservatism and right wing propaganda, but I did carry a piece of paper and make little marks.  My journalistic integrity is intact!  25/37 have never had chestnuts, much less those that were roasted over an open fire!  15/37 have never seen a single solitary chestnut!!!!  Point made? 

~Mistletoe?~ Seriously.  Smooching under the mistletoe.  How many of you would be ok with your significant other receiving a nice little smooch from a complete and total stranger just because they happen to be standing underneath some little weedy looking mistletoe?   C’mon, raise your hand.  Let’s see it…………  That’s right nobody.  If you have a special person in your life you shouldn’t need mistletoe to induce a little kissing should you?  Take down the mistletoe.  It just dies and drops its little leaves on peoples heads. 

Playfully debunking Christmas myths all around the world.  This has now become my calling in life.  I’m having a little costume made up and currently trying to figure out how I can fly…. Hehe.  Merry Christmas everyone.  I hope that your feelings are not badly bruised and that you have a great and very happy holiday season. 

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7 responses

11 12 2007
Shari

Funny, Funny, Funny..and O so true brother.

I know, I know. It’s the dirty little secret of the holidays. Nobody wants to talk about it but it’s true.

11 12 2007
ryanaustindean

What if “Bessie” isn’t Bessie at all, but is rather “Bevo?” Ah ha!

I just punched a cow-sized hole in your little snide remarks about open-sleigh rides, you Christmas-hating Californian.

It’s okay though. I hate the holiday season too. I like Christmas; I just hate the holiday.

Dude, you’re incredibly weird!!

11 12 2007
Roxana

Not to mention the sights and smells coming from Bessie’s hindquarters (sorry we had sleigh rides in NY. Some memories stick in a kid’s mind!)
My friend owns a chestnut farm, but I’ve only tried them in the microwave or boiled in water. I am NOT impressed.
Mistletoe…Don’t try to MAKE me kiss ANYBODY!
Bah-Humbug! I do so love Christmas!!! :}

12 12 2007
Karla Holley

LOL!! I love it! You’re hilarious.

I’ve got more. Wanna hear?

14 12 2007
Tena

My husband LOVES chestnuts! So, THERE! 🙂
You cut a little “x” in them, put them on a cookie sheet and “roast” @ 350 for 15 minutes. M-m-m-m-m. The only problem, like I told you at chorale practice tonight, is, they give him…

…gas. Hee hee.

Did you say him or you? I’m confused! And they are still not “roasted on an open fire” now are they.

14 12 2007
Tena

Do you know what mistletoe is?
It’s a European plant growing parasitically on various trees. Yuck!

Get rid of all mistletoe. It’s my new mission in life. Unless of course someone wants to kiss me.

14 12 2007
Mindy

You should write for a living, hallmark cards maybe. You are incredibly funny! Thanks for the laughs! Never been on a one horse open sleigh, or eaten fire roasted chestnuts, or been kissed under a mistletoe, but I still love the Holidays!

I’m thinking of starting my own greeting card company because I don’t think that Hallmark would have me. I’m not quite their type of writer!!

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