24 Deep thoughts by Jack Handey

9 06 2008


Two dozen of my favorites.

24) Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind.” Basically, it’s made up of two separate words, mank and ind. What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

23) If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

22) I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

20) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

19) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

18) Can’t the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they’ve caused?

17) If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

16) To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

15) I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, “I helped skin Bob.”

14) It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

13) If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

12) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

11) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

10) If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

9) I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

8) To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

7) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

6) One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

5) If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that’s what He’s getting!

4) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

3) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

2) If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

1) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

All material copyright by Jack Handey

I don’t know why stuff like this makes me laugh….but it does!

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10 responses

9 06 2008
Ryan Austin Dean

Man, that was hilarious. I really needed that.

I was going to read over and point out my favorites, but that might sound something like, “24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 22 (etc.)…were ESPECIALLY hilarious!”

Hey these things are very deep thoughts. Sometime’s they keep me up late at night!!

9 06 2008
Jana Allard

Wicked, wicked humor. Number 22 sounds like youth camp. LOL

Funny funny stuff!!

12 06 2008
Leah

Than,
Hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh today!

Leah

Glad you enjoyed it!! How have ya’ll been?

12 06 2008
JDE

Always been a huge Jack Handey fan. He was a youth pastor once, too. Late, after an all-night youth event, he started writing down his deep thoughts. His youth group hasn’t seen him since, but they’re ok with that-because God works in mysterious ways.

12 06 2008
James Wilder

A softer version of Rodney Dangerfield perhaps? Funny stuff….

17 06 2008
Kellee

Than –
Your posts always make me crack up! Thanks for the laugh!

Kellee

14 11 2010
Fire Surround ·

i love funny stuffs, but i specially like funny movies and funny videos on the internet *:’

17 11 2016
Positive Energy Experience – Brian Barone: The Stay At Home Basketball Coach

[…] and through the trip to Chicago I came away with several Jack Handy-esque “Deep Thoughts.” (click to see) However, I also came away with a more recent and tangible experience of […]

12 01 2017
Goalie Dave

I think Jack Handey is me if I had a way better sense of humour.

2 05 2017
out with the old and in with the new | JasonFLBlog.wordpress.com

[…] by years of Jack Handy watching SNL in my 20’s and 30’s.  Here are some more good Jack Handy […]

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