New Office Policy

3 10 2008

This landed on my desk a few minutes ago and it was to good to not post.


New office policy

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressesd according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) I you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Day:

Each employee wil reeive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place.  I n rare cases wehre employee involvement is necessary, the funereal should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entiely too much time is being spent in the toilet.  There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture will be posted ont he company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.  Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

*Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

*Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

*Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management




6 responses

3 10 2008

LOL!!!! That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a LONG time!

4 10 2008

I love your company now.

5 10 2008


6 10 2008
Kassie Dutton

Lol! I especially like the bathroom break one.

7 10 2008
Karen Hopper

Someone in your company has a great sense of humor – and was willing to share it. That’s great.

13 10 2008

That is so stinkin’ funny……almost crying from laughter about now!

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